*sigh

I can't take this.. no one to talk to..! all alone in my room with usher and 5 ppl online on msn.. i'm glad i made this lame journal thing.. at least i can type these feelings out..

do you guys know what i love best? this is no bullshit.. i love seeing happiness.. i love seeing couples and ppl being happy, hugging each other, smiling, laughing at jokes all that jazz. lately i've been thinking through the times when i's alone and by myself.. maybe thats jus me.. its who i am and how i am, i jus won't match next to a pile of crap kinda thing. and i know i'm happy being myself and with myself.

its lyk when theres no one to talk to and you have this feeling inside and wanna go BOOOOOOOOM!!!! and ya know.. let everything out.. today at lunch.. a guy i was playin basketball wit (chink) dribbling.. i stripped the ball off him and his hand went flyign and slash onto my eye.. that second i jus REALLY REALLY want to let everything fkn thing out.. family issues Personal issues EVERYTHING.. my veins were gonna pop.. but i know i shouldn't burst into anger.. and controlled myself.. it was so hard and too close.. i even asked my friend if i should punch him in the face cos i didn't lyk that guy who scratched my all that much before anyways.. but i didn't do it.. its not cos i'm a coward.. maybe cos of the bible.. havn't been going to church for awhile now.. i feel guilty for not going.. but going there i have to face many accusations.. which i discussed with my tutor today.. i love who i am and i'm not gonna let anything or anyone get to me.. but going to church and let hypocritic asian parents look at my that way and talking behind my back i jus don't know why go for..

To be a christian all i need is to have faith in God right? but my mom is telling me i have to study his words blah blah.. and so much things.. jus no point of going apart from the fact that i feel less of a christian for not goin and less of being a jesus freak..

i wish something or someone can help me.. gettin caught up with issues in lyf.. havn't felt this depressed since ages.. *sigh.. inside i'm lyk saying "omg you fkn queer you're not bleeding and you're not hurt stop lettin the tears fall out!".. GOT DAMIT i jus fkn can't.. feels lyk you can't gain true happiness in lyf.. even if you can its not eternal..

GOD please help me.. i need guidance and and instruction manual to guide my through these obstacles in lyf.. i jus don't want to try.. everythings against me.. everyone's opposing.. now i know how Jesus felt.. at least Jesus had his men.. all i have is my fkn sweet sweet nothing.. everythings so clear.. yet opaque inside And out..

amen......